Give

I am asking myself a few questions these days. Holidays are always a great time to check in with my intentions around giving. I check in with myself and try to get clear on what I believe, how my ideas have changed, and what I really feel about some shifting concepts that float around.

What is giving?

I wonder because when we sit down to mediation, we can have an idea about our agreement to mediate being this generous, giving act. Firstly, we can feel that we are 'giving' the other person 'the benefit of the doubt' or 'giving an inch' or 'giving a care'. We can feel ourselves releasing our grip on being right just a little, just enough so that we can sit in the room and face the other person with a modicum of humility. Secondly, we admit to ourself and others that we care about the situation or the relationship enough to interrupt and sit down to discuss things. And, we give ourselves a break. We realize that coming together as a team to solve a problem is a more effective way to affect change than going it alone.

Why do we give? Is it because of that sticky idea about getting something in return? Do we openly or secretly pray for the present or future payout for our generosity? Can it really be called generosity if we are being paid for it? What do we get in return? I often think of that fuzzy and warm feeling I get when I give, and the feeling of connectedness, the joy of sharing and developing my gifts with others. I think this is why collaboration feels very good to me. I believe that the best I have to offer is developed in community, and in collaborative and creative settings. This is how I approach mediation.

In this season of giving and getting, checking in with your intentions can help open your awareness around what really brings you joy, and the ways to further those feelings. It can be very stressful as well, and going into robot shopper mode can be efficient, but leave you feeling dead inside. Take a few moments to reflect.

How do you take care of yourself so that you can give with a generous heart? 

Time

“Always tell someone how you feel, because opportunities are lost in the blink of an eye, but regret can last a lifetime.”

— Anon

There is a time and a place for everything...or so my mother said, so often that I attribute the phrase to her entirely. In my work these days, I notice more and more that refers also to the time and place for a difficult conversation.

My desire to speak about a challenging topic with a friend or collegue as soon as the need arises has not always worked out so well. Is this a conversation everyone has agreed to have at this place and time? Maybe my friend is having an exceptionally bad day, or my work mate is brooding over a fight they just had with their partner. Or maybe they are dealing with some invisible medical condition I will never know about. Usually it's just plain old stress, the kind that makes it impossible to listen and focus on anything well. I have been there. Some days, my mind buzzes with my to-do list playing like a tune you can't get out of your head on repeat. It's hard to hear in those moments.

Choosing the wrong time to talk can have negative effects on the success of the conversation in so many ways. Yes, you may not even be heard, but what you say and how you say it can speak unedited volumes you didn't intend to share, so being in a frame of mind that assists you in getting your message across is a good place to start. Take a pause and check in with yourself. Do you have your emotions in check, or do they have you, like a hand around your throat?

I can remember hearing something like, 'the best time to say what you think is now, right now...' and I do not agree with that, although it sounds powerful. Being sensitive to timing is an art. Speaking my mind with eloquence and clarity becomes possible when I take the time to check in with myself first. Taking time to really understand our own perspective raises the likelihood that we will communicate it clearly, and that our message can be received, heard, respected and appreciated, even if the news is not about rainbows and sunshine. Deliver that message on time! This might be days, weeks, or months later, after the calm has set in. Gain insight, learn more, and negotiate a time to talk that is right for everyone.

Self Doubt

Do you know why you hesitate to say that difficult thing? For me, oftentimes self-doubt is to blame. I wonder to myself along the other side of the argument in my head, playing a bit of the devil's advocate and convincing myself at how ridiculous I will sound. I negate my thoughts and stuff my emotions to avoid looking the tedious fool. So many of my sweet and tender buried emotions are in a graveyard of lost opportunities for healing conversations and enhanced intimacy.

Even if we looked as foolish as we feel in sharing our fledgling thoughts and confusing emotions, not sharing them is a loss. Not sharing them is abandoning that chance for a more intimate and meaningful relationship.

Finding our way to trust our ability to find the right words and express ourselves with confidence is life-long work. For me, it never feels easy, but as the years go by, it begins to feel more necessary. I am not willing to bury more emotions in a heap! I want to begin to treat my emotions, my own emotions with tender loving care and give them the honor and respect they are due, from me at least. When my relationship with my emotions shifts because of this radical self care, it will feel more like extending a gift when I show my trust and love to others, and share my most intimate feelings. 

Here is another big reason why we don't share our feelings as readily with each other: the fear that our feelings will not be welcomed in with open arms, or that they will be ridiculed and sent home crying like a bullied child. Not everyone is deserving of caring for our tender emo babies. Choose your confidants wisely.

I also look forward to getting to a place where I will share my thoughts and soft squishy emotions because I need to express myself for my own health and peace of mind. I will allow and accept all variety of reactions, and not take it personally, whatever it may be. I will experience the alleviation of my spirit at having allowed myself to come out and be seen. We walk around day after day guarded and suspicious in our tortured culture, and not without good reason. Find a space and some time to share and come together with those you love.