Craft

The opportunity to build a better relationship presents itself during the most challenging times, sometimes. I think the best way to look at these 'breakdowns' is as opportunities. It sounds like a Chinese proverb, but switching our perspective and opening to a different way of viewing a situation has the potential to reveal a completely new understanding. With that new understanding, the possibility for creating something that has never existed before presents itself.

There is the uncanny consistency of making something genius out of what seemed like a 'mistake' in almost every scientific discovery; the masterpiece that emerges from the accidental paint splatter (less common); and the radical idea or group that springs up from the catastrophe of the moment. It's always my hope that folks get to mediation before a catastrophe strikes, but that never seems to happen. It's so much more productive to sit down with someone you trust and share a mutual desire to collaborate and build a more durable and functional relationship BEFORE things get so bad that recovery seems impossible, unlikely, distant, vague, and maybe not even desirable.

It's always best to build on a strong foundation.

I'm starting to move into a greater appreciation of honing. You take a solid piece of work, then buff and polish until it gleams, adding personal touches, practical additions and colorful insights. Most people seem to see the mediation process more like visiting a mechanic. Left with no choice, broken down on the side of the road, you call the mechanic to repair the vehicle, which likely only gets you to the next breakdown, inevitably some ways down the road. I know I use way too many metaphors for my own good. I've come to see mediation more like crafting; honing the best version of our relationships.

I have a few woodworking projects going this summer. Can you tell? I'm making some spoons. Jen Heathcote of Climbing Tree Woodwork taught me how to make absolutely beautiful spoons in the Ozark woods this summer. I'm also making a 6' headboard, and the sanding process is so satisfying I may never finish honing this thing.

Moving

It has been said that a relationship is like a shark. The beast has to keep moving forward or it dies. Well, that is true I think for not just relationships! Movement and growth keeps things vital. In working with couples and groups this year, the focus has been on moving ahead, letting the past go and crafting new schemes to grow into new forms. It hasn't been easy, but it has been compelling and encouraging work.

The year is rolling along at a clip! Summer is barreling down and my projects are beginning to stack up. Taking a break to catch my breath has been helpful, as I move ahead even faster than before. There seems to be less time to reflect on the past, hold on to grudges, ruminate on things, and so I have been saying things out loud more! Moving away from holding in my thoughts, this year I am being bolder and sharing difficult ideas that are not fully fleshed out in my mind. The reception on this has not been 100% great. I wouldn't say I'm burning bridges, but I am having to find other routes to get to my destination. Waze? Well, being blunt has not been my style so I am learning how to share my fledgling thoughts and come to collective understandings, trusting in that process more.

Through these changes I am holding my close friends even closer. I have to remember that if I make a mistake, if I say something that doesn't come out smooth and polished, that my friends will help me craft a more clear, deeper and better understanding with me. This will not only make for a better idea but a closer relationship. Creating art together can make our relationship stronger, and I am willing to take the chance with people I love.

So, I'm moving away from holding such tight control on what I think is right, and trusting that together, a better, more relevant and succulent truth will emerge. This is what I practice in mediation. Time to apply it to my own life.

Pause

"When you are under water, it's important to breathe." - Ana Spanikopita

I have been taking my breaks, as you can tell from the quote above. I have been not spacing them out politely but clumping them together in day-long chunks, the sounds of rain all around, and lots of tea with whipped honey. It has been a great January. It's a good month for reflecting, watching Bojack, setting out intentions and making a plan for the new year ahead. 

But what a great moment it is as I write this to you! The rain is coming straight down and the sky is a cuddly gray. Remembering that the best part of life is in the present moment, always coming back to that is the life jacket I need during stressful times. Taking a pause when I am feeling stressed out, and not leaping into first responder mode is hard! It has been a challenging lesson to incorporate. I have discovered that while I think my first response is always my best one, every time I allow myself time to reflect and step out of the emotions capturing my immediate attention, a response more in line with my intentions becomes apparent.

When the next cavalcade of confusion tumbles over you, it's likely it will seem impossible to step back and pause for 30 seconds even. But in our relaxed state of mind we can see that aside from immediate physical danger, we usually have 30 seconds to give to breathe deeply and ask ourselves a question or two. "What's really going on here?" "Is there a tiny kernel of truth here?" "What questions would help me understand this situation better?"

Thich Nhat Hanh says, "For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them." Sometimes we can be so adamant about our view, our way, we prevent our own selves from seeing the stunning new vista only momentarily obscured by clouds. We pause. The rain stops, the clouds part, and in a little while, things change. Don't get hooked.